The Olympic Village built for the 2024 Paris Summer Games is housing 14,250 athletes from 184 different countries. The Onion shares some of the most strict and surprising rules Olympians must follow during their stay.
- Turn off the torch if not using it: Frankly it’s ridiculous this even needs to be said, but it’s been on pretty much 24/7 and the gas bill is insane.
- No penetration before the starting pistol fires: No one should have an unfair advantage during sex.
- Take a minimum of two shifts at the Olympic Village co-op: Using the co-op also means giving back to the co-op.
- Vending machines only accept gold and silver medals: Change will not be given.
- Complete all Olympic Village side quests: Completing all villager and shopkeeper side quests is the only way to unlock the River Seine.
- No murdering: This rule actually applies outside the Olympic Village as well.
- Do not bring the Olympic torch into the shower: Water is not good for the flame.
- Forbidden romances must be preceded by a two-day yearning period: Whether athletes are representing rival superpowers or are competing in the same event, a minimum yearning period is necessary to maximize the passion of their affair.
- Athletes whose roommates commit suicide will receive automatic gold medals in each of their events: It is simply the right thing to do.
- Non-medalists must wear condoms: Only Olympians who make the podium are permitted to have bareback sex in order to limit the number of losers conceived.
- Use fake names during all sexual encounters: This makes it easier to say goodbye once the Olympics finally end.
- No race mixing past 9 p.m.: This is more of a French rule than an Olympics one.
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