JUDEA — A local fatted calf was struck with a sudden overwhelming feeling of dread today after seeing his owner’s lost younger son unexpectedly return from living abroad.
According to other villagers, the son had left the father’s household some time ago after demanding his portion of the inheritance early. Though the son had long been regarded as lost to the family, his father was overjoyed by his surprise return, much to the chagrin of the fatted calf.
“Well, crap,” the calf was heard muttering as the father ran out to meet his returning son. “I thought things were going pretty well. They kept giving me plenty of food to eat, almost as though they wanted me to grow plump and juicy for some unknown reason. Now, this guy comes waltzing back into the picture. I can’t put my finger on it, but I suddenly have this sinking feeling. Like maybe this is really bad news for me in some way.”
Word quickly spread throughout the household that a huge impromptu party was being planned. “Yeah, I heard about the party we’re supposed to be throwing tonight,” the calf said. “Seems like it’s going to be a pretty big deal. From what I can tell, they’re really going all out to celebrate the kid’s return. I still haven’t heard any word about what the main course is going to be for dinner, though.”
At publishing time, the calf had been led away by members of the household staff as he questioned why they were also carrying vegetables, seasoning, and a large knife.
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Babylon Bee
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