ACWORTH, GA—In an effort to prepare for a “devastating” outcome, terrified conservative Clayton Hawkins told reporters Wednesday that he was planning to move to 1930s Austria if Donald Trump lost the presidential election. “I swear to god, if Kamala Harris wins in November, you can bet I’m getting a one-way ticket to Vienna circa 1937,” said Hawkins, explaining that, under the worst case scenario in which Democrats remained in control of the White House, the Austrofascist state would provide sanctuary to him and others who feared for the safety of their pure Aryan families. “I know I may sound paranoid, but the fact of the matter is that relocating to a mid-century autocratic one-party state is the only way to ensure that my fellow citizens are violently suppressed for failing to conform to a strict set of oppressive dictates.” At press time, a tearful Hawkins sobbed while imagining his sons growing up in a place and time where they were considered equal to another race or gender.
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