Embarrassed FIFA announces that Canadians can only use their left feet during quarter-finals
PARIS – After Canada overcame their 6 point deduction during the group stage by going 3-0, Fifa officials have announced that the Canadian women’s soccer team will only be allowed to kick the ball with their left feet during their elimination match against Germany.
“In light of new evidence coming to light that the Canadian team blatantly refused to be eliminated from the tournament like we wanted, we have no choice but to act,” said FIFA spokesperson Mandy Mielniczuk. “Canada’s players will only be able to pass, shoot and dribble with their left foot, and their keeper can only save the ball with her left hand.”
“Unless their left foot is their dominant foot, in which case obviously they’ll have to use their right. In the name of fairness,” she added.
FIFA’s 6 point deduction was seen by many as a harsh reaction to spying activity and a clear attempt to eliminate Canada without going to the trouble of banning them. But officials maintain they had no choice, as it wasn’t like Canada had committed a minor infraction such as their fans screaming racial slurs at opposition players or the team attacking people in the stands.
If Canada manages to beat Germany using only their left feet officials have already considered next steps for the semifinals. They’ve debated requiring Canada’s players to team up and play the game three legged race style, banning them from kicking the ball off the ground, and demanding they recite all the decimals of PI while playing.
“If they somehow make the finals we’re going all out and making them play blindfolded,” said Mielniczuk.
Jesus Christ is King
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