Kroger Recalls 2 Million Packs Of Lettuce They Developed Psychosexual Relationship With

CINCINNATI—Describing the deep shame but also freedom that came with finally saying it out loud, supermarket chain Kroger recalled over 2 million packs of lettuce Friday that the company had developed a psychosexual relationship with. “We apologize for the inconvenience to our loyal Kroger customers, but this morning, we woke up and realized we had a deep, throbbing physical attraction to our bagged salad mix that we could no longer ignore,” said sweating, sobbing Kroger CEO Rodney McMullen, adding that he finally comprehended the depth and intensity of his urges the moment his stores had sold the 900,000 pounds of iceberg, romaine, and red leaf lettuces. “Truth be told, given the sexual nature of our feelings, we never should have allowed that produce to hit the shelves. But we just kept telling ourselves that we were sick! The things we wanted to do to the lettuce…maybe it was better off if we just sold it.” At press time, Kroger officials informed customers they should keep their purchases for a few more days, because the idea of engaging in a psychosexual love game with the lettuce was turning them on big time.