Environmentalists Warn U.S. Running Out Of Small Wooded Areas Where Buddies Can Smoke Up

WASHINGTON—In a sobering report on the impact of climate change and deforestation, U.S. environmentalists warned Monday that the nation was running out of small wooded areas where a group of buddies could smoke up. “Sadly, accelerating levels of industrialization have led us to a point where our nation’s stoner communities are being severely threatened, with their habitats disappearing at an alarming rate,” said environmental scientist Jill Krick-Nelson, adding that the past year had seen a marked increase in real estate developments destroying chill-ass groves previously frequented by young Americans, who use such places to smoke low-quality cannabis from a poorly rolled joint or a pipe fashioned from aluminum foil. “Without these shaded, secluded areas, millions of American teens have been displaced, making them vulnerable to parents and police. Despite conservation efforts, these endangered populations of buddies will soon be left with no place to get super baked except for truck stop parking lots or the rare garage of a divorced parent.” At press time, Krick-Nelson added that, without an increase in preservation efforts, such teens could also be left without secluded overlooks wherein to sexually experiment in their cars.