NEW YORK—In what experts are calling an economic downturn that could deliver shocks to markets for months to come, stocks plunged Monday as traders realized it was the beginning of the week and that they had to go to work. “Today, the Dow Jones industrial average sunk over 900 points after investors across the nation woke up, remembered it was a weekday, and realized they had five whole days of office drudgery ahead of them,” said economist Sharon Eaton, adding that while markets seemed strong on Friday when traders had the entire weekend in front of them, prices plummeted first thing this morning when they hit the snooze button on their alarm clocks, overslept by 30 minutes, and then spent a stressful morning dressing for work and trudging to their desks. “Although we expect the market to slowly correct itself, the NASDAQ and the S&P 500 will continue to be depressed until all of these asset managers, brokers, and hedge fund managers at least get over the Wednesday hump. Unfortunately, the world’s traders all just had such a nice, relaxing weekend that they really thought it was still Sunday when they rolled out of bed. So today was really hard.” At press time, economists were panicking after Federal Reserve employees got too drunk at an impromptu happy hour and greenlit an emergency rate cut.
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