Report: 92% Of Americans Want To Be Tossed Around Like Rag Doll By Swedish Logger

WASHINGTON—In what experts are calling the most comprehensive survey of the phenomenon to date, a new report published Wednesday by the Pew Research Center found that more than 9 in 10 Americans would like to be tossed around like a rag doll by a Swedish logger. “Regardless of their age, gender, or ethnicity, an overwhelming percentage of respondents had a favorable view of being picked up as if they were light as a feather by a man named Nils, Anders, or Erik who wears a blond beard and is still sweaty from a long day in the woods,” said report co-author Sheila Pascale, who found among residents of all 50 states a very strong desire to be swung over the shoulder of a large Scandinavian man, deposited onto a warm feather bed, and relished like a generous dollop of homemade lingonberry jam. “One thing is clear: If there’s a burly, 6-foot-tall man from a Nordic country who somehow possesses both the calloused palms of a workman and the soft hands of a lover, the American people would like to be sexually manhandled by him.” The report also found that the number jumps from 92% to 95% if the Swedish logger in question boasts a small assortment of tasteful tattoos.