BETHLEHEM, NC — Pizza Hut broke ground Thursday on a new location they expect to become a protestant church within a few short years.
The site, conveniently located in a central area of town, would temporarily provide delicious pizza and breadsticks before reaching the end of its lifecycle as a restaurant and following the natural order of things by being purchased by a church.
“Today, pizza,” said Pizza Hut CEO Aaron Powell during the groundbreaking ceremony. “Tomorrow, praise.”
In recent months, Pizza Hut has been the subject of memes and observational humor over the fact that numerous former locations have become protestant churches. Now, the company is attempting to lean into this reputation for marketing purposes.
To streamline the inevitable transition, the company drew up plans for a vaulted ceiling, an elevated platform for the kitchen staff, and even pews at tables instead of conventional seating. And because they’re not entirely sure which denomination may take over the building, they intend to build in storage for both wine and grape juice.
“We’ve accepted our fate,” Powell said. “Does the dough say to the baker, ‘Why are you kneading?’ Does not the baker have power over the dough, from the same lump to make one pizza with pepperoni and another with mushrooms?’ So then, we will remain here a little while before becoming a church.”
He concluded, “Until then, come on in and enjoy a slice.”
According to sources, this initiative began as part of Pizza Hut’s new “don’t resist God” plan that investors hoped would boost sales.
At publishing time, Little Caesars had sunk in popularity due to its small locations making it impractical for future church conversions.
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Babylon Bee
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