BLOOMINGTON, IN—Reporting a steady decline in the amorous endeavors of young adults, a new study released Monday by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University found that members of Generation Z are having less sex than previous generations due to the allure of leftovers at home. “We found that a large segment of Americans between the ages of 18 and 27 routinely forgo sexual activity because the temptation of the takeout from two nights ago they know is waiting for them in the fridge is simply too hard to overcome,” lead researcher Janice Longhorn said of the study in which four out of five participants stated they would prefer to go home alone to consume cold noodles straight from the container rather than engage in consensual sex with someone they found attractive. “The main priorities for Gen Z seem to have less to do with finding partners for sex and more to do with the second half of the burrito, Reuben, or chana masala they know will be almost as good leftover as it was when it was fresh. Data also shows many Gen Zers are removing dating apps from their phones and replacing them with Grubhub, Doordash, and other food delivery apps in case they’re out of leftovers and want to make sure there’s a meal waiting on their doorstep after they abandon whatever social situation they’re currently in.” Longhorn went on to say that while this trend has resulted in lower rates of STIs and unwanted pregnancies for the demographic, heartburn has seen a staggering rise.
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