Sponsored by Donors Trust:
Poverty has been around for all of human history — sometimes it seems like the poor are always with us. Obviously, this makes having any empathy for them really expensive, especially given the price of gas, groceries, and soy lattes nowadays.
But did you know there are some top-secret, pro-level tactics you can use to get out of helping the poor? We at the Babylon Bee have spent dozens of minutes interviewing top misers around the globe and come up with the 8 best ways to get out of helping the poor. Take a look!
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Be poor: It’s a tried and true tactic.
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Vote for Democrats so they can steal from your neighbor and take care of the poor for you: Super easy, and it feels great.
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Solve poverty by wearing a “Stop Being Poor” shirt: It’s stunning that no one has tried this yet.
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Marry someone named “Charity” so you can always say you’re supporting Charity: Clever.
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Print more money to cause record inflation: Because when everyone is poor, no one is.
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Become a wizard and tell people you will only help them if they answer your questions three: A classic technique, but one often overlooked in the modern era.
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If you see any poor people, encourage them by telling them to work harder: Maybe they’ll be inspired to not be so lazy next time.
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Put a “#helpthepoor” hashtag on your social media bio: Real-world change, right from the comfort of your couch.
Well, there you have it — now get out there and help…er, avoid some poor people!
NOT SATIRE: Your charitable giving is no joke. Are you giving in a way that shows you’re serious about conservative principles?
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Babylon Bee
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