Crush Not Texting You Because His Feelings So Strong That They Scare Him, Finds Imaginary Study

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Lending credence to the already widespread theory about the young man you fancy, an imaginary study published Tuesday by Harvard University found that your crush wasn’t texting you back because his feelings were so powerful that they frightened him. “Our research strongly indicates that the guy who gives you butterflies feels the same way you do, if not more so, but his overwhelming attraction to you both physically and emotionally has rendered him almost incapable of moving, much less picking up his phone,” said nonexistent study author Ben Fellows, who confirmed his team had uncovered overwhelming evidence showing your potential beau was so anxious about saying the wrong thing and ruining his chance to date you that he had spent the entire evening trying unsuccessfully to compose the perfect message. “We can state with a high degree of certainty that the intensity of your crush’s emotions have destabilized his entire worldview and left him in a state of near-paralysis. Further, we’re confident that this man is so lovesick that even if he were able to write a message, he would consider anything less than the most beautiful sonnet ever composed to be unworthy of someone as gorgeous and alluring as you.” Fellows added that these fabricated findings were far more persuasive and used better methodology than previous debunked studies claiming your bully only made fun of you because she was jealous.