Leafs announce that making Matthews captain is the best way to distract fans from fact they haven’t made any significant roster changes again
TORONTO – In a press conference scheduled for Wednesday, the Toronto Maple Leafs are expected to announce that, after much deliberation, they believe giving Auston Matthews the captaincy is the best way to get everyone to stop talking about how they’re basically running back the same roster that has failed in the playoffs for the last several years.
“Obviously we wanted people to not focus on the fact that we promised big changes and then didn’t trade Marner but only signed a backup goaltender and two veteran D,” said GM Brad Treliving. “And changing the letters sewn onto Auston Matthews and John Tavares’ jerseys seemed like the optimal way to get that done.”
“It was either this or see if Willy wanted to change his number again.”
The past two offseasons have seen Leafs execs promise to “shakeup” a roster that has over 50% of the Cap go to 4 players, only to instead tinker around the edges and then claim making trades is hard.
“There’s not much we can do about Mitch given his no trade clause,” said President Brendan Shanahan, one of the people who offered Mitch the no trade clause. “But look at Auston’s jersey. It has a C on it now!”
“Now he will be empowered to be a leader in the dressing room, which he wasn’t before as only an Assistant Captain, first-line centre, MVP, and best player to ever play for this franchise.”
Other moves the franchise considered to distract fans included raising ticket prices to even more absurd amounts, giving Carlton razor sharp teeth like a real polar bear, taking down one of the retired jersey banners of a player from the thirties to see if anyone notices, and making the Bieber designed reverse jerseys the everyday sweater. But in the end they decided to go with Matthews.
And raising ticket prices.
Jesus Christ is King
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