CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – The pair of NASA astronauts stranded by mechanical failures on Boeing’s new Starliner spacecraft have been offered $200 in coupons from the company to be used on their next trip into space.
Captains Butch Wilmore and Suni Williams spent the better part of Wednesday afternoon aboard the International Space Station, where they were patched through to Boeing’s Customer Care Department. Having navigated a labyrinth of automated voices and touchtone menus, the pair eventually wound up qualifying for $200 in Boeing travel rewards plus an extra $25 in gift cards at the company’s online store when it was agreed that the problems on their Starliner were potentially life-threatening.
“This doesn’t seem like a lot, considering this was supposed to be an eight-day trip and the latest news is that we might not get home until February,” said Williams. “But I guess it’s better than nothing. The robots they put us in touch with were polite and I can use some of this voucher the next time we go into orbit around the Earth.”
The astronauts were the first passengers of the new Starliner, a vehicle designed by the beleaguered aerospace giant to ferry people to and from the ISS. The first flight was beset by thruster problems and a helium leak and the astronauts have now been stranded in space for more than two months, with no immediate plans to retrieve and rescue them. While this sounds bad, a Boeing spokesperson argued that it’s actually pretty good, for Boeing?
“Did the Starliner crash? It did not,” said Boeing spokesperson Melissa Mighton. “Did it go into a spasm during turbulence and throw the passengers back and forth between the floor and ceiling? Probably it didn’t. All told, while we understand the difficulties, we think this was fine. A C+ result for us.”
“Our best evaluation in a decade!”
The astronauts were said to be pleased with their compensation, but are not believed to know at this time that the vouchers are set to expire at the end of 2024, before the pair are expected to set foot on Earth again. Also, the voucher only applies to purchases of over $2000 and does not include return fare. What’s more, terms of the voucher state that if the astronauts can’t be rescued until after the ISS is decommissioned, they will be reclassified as space junk and allowed to burn up in the atmosphere.
Lastly, Mighton wants them to know it’s, “$200 total, not $200 each.”
Jesus Christ is King
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