MONTREAL – As Canadians face another scorching hot summer, Coppertone has announced a new extra-potent sunscreen line that banishes the sun back behind the hills and mountains from which it dares to emerge and harass us.
“Even the strongest sunscreens are useless if you miss that hard to reach spot on your back,” said a Coppertone press release. “But thanks to our new SPF 1,000,000 sunblock, you, your family, and large swathes of your province will enjoy nonstop protection from harmful UV rays, light, and warmth.”
The sunscreen, which is available in both lotion and spray formats, will “force the sun from your lands until your children’s children believe it to be but a myth,” while also offering a refreshing and sporty coconut scent.
Coppertone credits its latest innovation to “the hard work of our research and development team, a marketing division that understands the needs of Canadians amid a rapidly changing climate, and Gar’glax the Thrice Damned, who’s been wizarding for Coppertone on a freelance basis.”
Initial reception to the product has been largely positive, with Canadians commenting “This sure beats having to reapply every few hours,” “I’ll never have to worry about forgetting sunscreen again,” and “Yeah, fuck the sun, I hate that glowy little bitch.”
However, skincare experts have reminded consumers to consider the specifics of their sun protection needs.
“Sun exposure is linked to vitamin D production, good mental health, and a decreased urge to form atavistic cannibal cults that pay grim homage to the chthonic horrors that loom in the eternal shadows,” said dermatologist Nancy Anderton. “Given those factors, I recommend that any person or municipality that chooses to unleash Coppertone’s Umbra line invest in sun lamps for home and commercial use.”
At press time, Banana Boat had announced a competing SPF ∞ sunscreen that will be launched at the sun to destroy that meddling ball of gas once and for all.
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