KNOXVILLE, TN—Telling viewers to nut the hell up because the channel wasn’t fucking around, Home and Garden Television announced Friday that it had released a new show called Straight White Gentrifiers. “Big news HGTV fans: We’re done acting like total fucking pussies, and this September, Straight White Gentrifiers is going right for the jugular,” said HGTV programming executive Loren Ruch, adding that the series would follow an attractive 28-year-old heteronormative Caucasian couple on their mission to violently displace minorities across New England. “Callie and Jeff have one goal, which is to buy homes in Black and Hispanic neighborhoods, evict their tenants, and then ensure that home prices become so inflated they can never return. Also, they’ll make a fuck-ton of cash. And you slobbering morons will eat that shit up.” Straight White Gentrifiers reportedly proved so popular with test audiences that it has already been spun off into several new series, including Christian Fundamentalists Do Home Stuff On A Farm and One For The Black Viewers.
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