CHICAGO—Expressing deep apprehension about how such a thing could ever come to pass, the U.S. populace confirmed Thursday that it was deeply wary of a suddenly usable website. “So what’s the catch here—they’re trying to make it look nice so they can steal my information?” said Bronx resident Alison Myer, one of 340 million Americans who became visibly distressed as they scrolled through the webpage that seemingly overnight had become simple to navigate, aesthetically pleasing, and unburdened by unhinged, shitty ads breaking up every block of text to advertise bowel-cleansing remedies and weight-loss drugs. “Maybe if I click on this link there’ll be some weird, super-loud sponsored video from five years ago that suddenly pops up? No. Or the page will just keep reloading, again and again, for no fucking reason? Nope. Huh. And if I open it on mobile, my phone doesn’t suddenly get hot because it’s draining the battery? This is really weird. Hopefully the content still treats me like a dipshit who only matters as a vector to drive revenue. Otherwise, this is just plain creepy.” At press time, the nation had reportedly blocked the confusing website and navigated back to Forbes.com, where it felt safe.
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