SEATTLE—Reiterating his staunch commitment to the dignity and privacy of his patients, area ob-gyn Dr. Paul Wasserman assured patient Tina Quincy on Friday that he respected doctor-slut confidentiality. “I swore a Hippocratic Oath that requires me to keep any hookups, make-out sessions, or wild one-night stands you’ve engaged in strictly between you and me, so please feel free to be totally honest about how slutty you are,” said Wasserman, encouraging Quincy to spare no details about any irresponsible sex she had engaged in since her last annual checkup, however promiscuous, illicit, or depraved it might have been. “Don’t worry, this is a judgment-free zone. In order for me to practice medicine responsibly, I need you to provide detailed descriptions of your sleaziest encounters, and I, in turn, will honor the confidentiality of any information you provide about how much of a whore you’ve been lately. Why don’t you start by telling me how many times a week, on average, you suck and fuck without protection?” Wasserman went on to show visible disappointment after Quincy revealed that, due to painful endometriosis symptoms, she hadn’t been sexually active in over a year.
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