As even more incriminating pictures of senator and vice presidential candidate J.D. Vance’s scandalous high school years surfaced in recent weeks, the nation was left wondering: who is this total freak from Ohio, and what other scurrilous mischief did he get up to in his youth?
The Babylon Bee conducted an extensive investigation to uncover the following list of shocking things J.D. Vance perpetrated in high school:
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Illegally downloaded songs on Napster: A cyberthief at such a young age. Disturbing.
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Stuck pencils between his fingers and pretended to be Wolverine: It doesn’t get much weirder than this.
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Called Wendy’s and asked if their refrigerator was running: The restaurant’s employees from that night are still scarred to this day.
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Wrote “Seymour Butts” inside the jacket of his math textbook: What type of deranged person does this?
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Said “Not Here!” when the teacher said his name while taking roll: Liar then, liar now.
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Dared his friends to spell “ICUP”: No one actually saw anyone pee, J.D. Stop spreading lies.
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Pretended to stab himself with lead from a mechanical pencil: Pretend violence always leads to real violence.
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Typed “58008” into his calculator and held it upside down so that it said “BOOBS”: No one but J.D. Vance would ever do this. Literally no one.
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Was praised by his buddies for the most ridiculous practical joke ever by installing a tampon dispenser in the boys’ bathroom: Wait, this wasn’t J.D. Vance, it was the other party’s vice presidential candidate — never mind!
Can you believe this weirdo is running for vice president? Only the most twisted, rebellious deviants would ever do any of the things listed above. Right, people?
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