OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has reportedly left his fifth as of yet unanswered voicemail offering to “throw his weight” behind the presidential campaign of US Democratic candidate Kamala Harris.
“Hey, Kamala, this is Justin, again,” explained the PM as his aides repeatedly shook their heads to indicate that he should abandon this idea. “Just wanted to say, your campaign seems to have a ton of positive momentum, so why not add even more with Canada’s most popular Prime Minister?”
“Oh, and have I mentioned that I knew Barack Obama? Because we used to hang out, all the time” Trudeau added, before hanging up.
Sources from inside the PMO report that Trudeau has become singularly fixated on the idea that the surging Harris campaign “can’t wait to hear from him”, and that there must be “some mix-up” to blame for them not answering any of his previous four increasingly desperate offers for an endorsement.
“I mean, it’s not like I need this kind of positive association,” noted Trudeau to nobody in particular. “I’m crushing it up here in Canada – I’d be the one doing HER a favour.”
Attempts to explain to Trudeau that his 59% negative approval rating and numerous run-ins with angry protestors might not make him a favourable ally have reportedly fallen on deaf ears.
“Maybe they don’t get good cell service on Air Force Two,” mused Trudeau, as he jotted down notes for his next outreach to Harris. “You know who would know all about that – Joe (Biden). I’ll ask him all about it when he finally returns some of my messages.”
Parliamentary aides describe Trudeau’s insistence that Harris is eager to be associated with him as “delusional”, “pitiful”, and “would be kinda funny if my job wasn’t on the line”. Reportedly, Trudeau has paused all ongoing work on housing affordability, summer wildfire response, and immigration reform in favour of securing “just one cool photo op of me and Harris high-fiving, which is obviously something her campaign could use.”
Reached for comment, a representative for the Harris/Walz campaign answered, “We’re keeping this line open in case Taylor Swift’s people call. Please hang up.”
Back in Ottawa, Trudeau’s efforts were undeterred. “Maybe I should remind Kamala that I used to hang out with Obama,” the PM mused, before picking up the phone again to the chagrin of his staffers.
At press time, Pierre Poilievre has reached out to the JD Vance campaign to ask for tips on seeming likeable.
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