ARVADA, CO — A recent scan of 15-year-old Bridger Cannon shows his body is made up of over 97 percent Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.
“It’s a medical anomaly, but not unheard of,” explained Dr. Harold Barrus. “After reviewing the x-ray, we determined Cannon’s body is mostly Flamin’ Hot Cheetos with a little Monster Energy Drink and some 7/11 Slurpee.”
Cannon admitted he’d been pounding back Cheetos around the clock for the past three years or so, but he was surprised to learn how much his internal organs had morphed into orange goo. Doctors recommend a complete Cheeto fast, something Cannon said he’s not prepared to do at this moment.
“I understand if I don’t stop eating Flamin’ Hot Cheetos my skin might have an orange tint for the rest of my life, but whatever, I don’t really care. Skibidi rizz!”
At publishing time, Cannon admitted he might have overdone it a bit when he ate four family-size bags of Cool Ranch Doritos and washed it down with 64 ounces of Diet Mt. Dew.
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