EARTH — In a groundbreaking new revelation, God clarified that committing murder is OK if the person sitting next to you on an airplane takes off their shoes.
The stunning news came from one of Heaven’s representatives, confirming to mankind that the Lord would be willing to look the other way in instances of homicide in which the killer had been forced to sit next to a person who had the audacity to remove their shoes on a flight.
“Yes, it’s true. You can kill them,” a spokesangel said. “We’ve received a lot of inquiries about this since you humans invented airplanes, and we can now conclusively reveal that God will not hold it against anyone if they decide to murder their fellow passenger if the offending individual takes off their shoes and exposes their disgusting feet on the plane. The Lord is omniscient and fully understands the atrocity that is shoe removal on an airplane. So feel free to kill away.”
The revelation was welcome information to travelers preparing to board flights around the world. “It’s great to have this settled and know I can kill anyone who does it,” said Southwest passenger Sal Calderella. “I definitely wanted to on previous flights, but I refrained from doing so because I was afraid of the consequences. This time around, if the guy next to me has the gall to take off his shoes on the plane, it’ll be the last thing he ever does.”
At publishing time, airlines around the globe had begun stocking up on in-flight body bags to prepare for the onslaught of corpses.
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