ANN ARBOR, MI—Noting the rapid increase among assholes who just don’t know when to quit it, an alarming report published Thursday by the University of Michigan found that the nation’s fuckers now have 83% more nerve. “Based on our data, we can see that over the last year there has been a threefold rise in instances of sorry-ass motherfuckers absolutely cruising for a bruising, and we only expect this trend to continue,” said lead researcher Christo Garcia, confirming that the nation’s fuckers were already 65% less likely to screw off and jump up their own asses than they were even six months ago. “These distressing findings suggest that if the nation’s cocksuckers keep getting too big for their britches, and at such an elevated rate, it could be only a matter of months before they have the balls to pull this kind of shit.” Garcia added that his team had not yet reached any definitive conclusions as to where these absolute fuckheads get off.
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