WICHITA, KS—In a judgmental appraisal of her daughter’s parenting techniques only moments after she gave birth, an area grandmother hamster was reportedly overly critical Friday of the way her daughter ate her babies. “Oh, come on, stop being so delicate and shove them in your mouth the old-fashioned way,” said the elderly 1.75-year-old hamster, failing to take into account the way that trends in eating and digesting newborn young has changed over the years as she poured scorn upon the way her daughter gingerly closed her jaw around the first of her freshly birthed litter. “I know you love to talk about that ‘gentle parenting’ nonsense, but mother hamsters have been chewing and swallowing their babies the same way since the dawn of time. Here, let me take over for a minute, you’re getting blood and viscera everywhere—oh please, don’t get all upset at me. I’m trying to help, for god’s sake.” At press time, the hamster reportedly commented that her daughter will never lose all her pregnancy weight if she doesn’t slow down and practice portion control when eating the rest of her litter.
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