I WILL LITERALLY CUT MY OWN LEG OFF IF YOU GUYS CAN BRING 50 KIDS TO YOUTH GROUP NEXT WEEK – Op-Ed By Chet Skatington, Youth Pastor

All right, fam — things be ‘bout to get real now, for real for real.

Jesus said in the Bible somewhere that we need to share the good news with all nations, and you bet he was talking about literally everyone, no cap.

Now I know that we’ve been having lower attendance levels recently — seriously, we barely even had enough homies last week to fill out our 12-on-12 flag football game. And only 18 of us managed to make it to this month’s “Overcoming the Grave(mind) Halo Tournament For Jesus.” We’ve just got to go a little harder, yo! Dig deep for Jesus!

So here’s the dealio, brothers and sisters. If you all can manage to bring 50 — and I do mean 50 — new kids to youth group next week, SO HELP ME GOD I WILL LITERALLY CUT OFF MY LEG IN FRONT OF ALL OF YOU FOR JESUS.

We’re not talking your 5th-grader brother, STEVE. I want 50 kids whom we haven’t reached FOR JESUS yet. Bring them in, fam. They need him too.

So go invite your classmates, that random dude on the bus, your weird cousin — literally anyone. If you all want to see me literally amputate one of my lower appendages, we’ve got to bring in those lost sheep, yo!

And if we can bring in over 65, I’ll throw one of my arms in into the bargain. Now go out there and start evangelizing for Jesus!

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Babylon Bee