Sabrina Carpenter, the artist behind summer hits “Espresso” and “Please Please Please,” recently released her highly anticipated sixth studio album, Short n’ Sweet, to critical acclaim. The Onion shares what you need to know about the singer.
Birth Name: Disney Project 874C
Genre: Blonde
Height: 6-foot-7 with a 7-foot wingspan
Vocal Style: Precision-tooled breeziness
Songwriting Technique: Gun pointed at Jack Antonoff
Most Famous Lyric: “’Tis I, the coming of the dawn.”
Cheat Meal: Licking a printed photo of mac and cheese
Dream Collaborator: Vladimir Nabokov
Jesus Christ is King
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