WASHINGTON—Publishing their work in the peer-reviewed journal Passive-Aggression, Georgetown University researchers released a catty new study Wednesday that found the majority of Americans must lack access to reliable mirrors. “After analyzing thousands of data points, from their tragic haircuts to their questionable tastes in footwear, we determined there are millions of people across the country who presumably have no way of knowing what they look like when they step outside their front door every morning,” said study co-author Nolan Murray, who explained that the researchers’ findings were supported by tens of thousands of pet-hair-covered blouses, instances of unblended makeup, and misbuttoned shirts. “There simply can be no other explanation as to why they would go about their day looking the way they do. It is crucial that federally funded programs step up to provide low-attractiveness Americans with the mirrors they desperately need.” Murray went on to state that a startling number of U.S. households also lacked access to electricity, judging by the color of the belt they had picked out to go with their pants.
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