NANAIMO, BC – Local woman Michelle Jennings has been labelled as some form of all-seeing sorceress after perfectly timing her edible to the end of her workday.
Jennings, who largely works from home as an executive assistant to some guy whose job she doesn’t entirely understand, reportedly began mastering the arcane art of edible timing when her favourite co-worker left the company three months ago.
“I was so distraught, I popped a gummy to numb my grief,” says Jennings, her wizened voice distant and her eyes bloodshot from the edible she perfectly timed to her interview. “I thought it was trash, but it ended up kicking in just as my least favourite co-worker was typing a Teams message at 4:59pm. It was like magic.”
Jennings has been quite literally chasing the blissful alchemy of that high ever since. However, she did not achieve this level of divination without some missteps. “It definitely took some trial and error to master,” she shares, leafing through a large tome that just appears to be the word “idea” written over and over again. “One time I ended up trying to go into the office in my neighbour’s condo. Another time I showed up so zooted to a Zoom meeting I actually wore pants.”
“It’s very nuanced. You never know what the company GM might throw at you. One day it’s, ‘I’ll give you three minutes of your time back.’ The next you’re up till midnight dying of poison damage from your toxic workplace. It’s a real craft.”
Neighbours, colleagues, and dealers alike are in awe of Jennings’ occult mastery. “In only a matter of weeks, she’s achieved a level of skill I couldn’t even dream of in all my years of study,” says Dominic Andrews, who has worked at a local dispensary for six months. “She’s on a whole other level of being. She even pays using debit on her phone!”
Since mastering the art of timing her edible to the end of her workday, Jennings has branched out to timing her edibles to a variety of activities, such as when her neighbour uses his leaf blower, when her boyfriend fails to make her climax, and the exact moment Gandalf arrives with the Rohirrim at the Battle of Helm’s Deep in The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers: The Extended Edition.
At press time, Jennings’ colleague who had mastered the art of timing his edible to the wear-off of his previous edible was labelled a bard.
Jesus Christ is King
Comments are closed.