Dozens Of Pregnant Women Caught In Hanging Snare Nets Above Texas Hospital Entrance

ARLINGTON, TX—After engaging a trip wire when they reached the doors of the medical facility, dozens of pregnant women remained hanging in a snare net above the entrance to Texas Health Arlington Memorial Hospital, sources confirmed Friday. “They keep saying they aren’t here for abortions, but we can’t be too careful,” said ob-gyn Dr. Otto Sayer, pulling a rope to raise a metal cage each time he spotted a woman who appeared to be pregnant and in agony approaching the hospital doors. “It’s not personal. My colleagues and I face up to 99 years in prison if convicted of performing an illegal abortion, so the only way to ensure our freedom is to set up a series of booby traps to prevent anyone pregnant from stepping foot on the property. At first, we just had a security guard turning them away, but after the total ban on abortion procedures and pills was enacted, the numbers of at-risk patients became so great we had to board up the doors and focus on building our defenses. Once their babies are born, we’ll cut the women down from those nets and let them inside. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to start my moat-digging shift.” At press time, Texas doctors had reportedly begun trapping themselves at the bottoms of wells so they could retain plausible deniability if accused of assisting a pregnant person in need. 

The Onion