WASHINGTON—Caught red-handed after a night on the town with a car he had been trying to keep secret, Pete Buttigieg attempted to sneak into his D.C. apartment at approximately 12:30 a.m. Friday, according to sources close to the transportation secretary and his spouse. “Are you fucking kidding me? First you don’t show up for dinner, and now you slink back here with some trollop of a Ford’s tire marks all over you?” said husband Chasten Buttigieg, who added that no, he would not calm down, considering that he didn’t even own a tire with treads that looked like that. “You told me I had nothing to worry about when I searched your phone and found photos of that convertible with its top off. Well, I guess I finally know what all those charges at AutoZone were for. Ugh, I can still smell its exhaust on you, you fucking pig.” At press time, the former South Bend, IN mayor had reportedly only gotten himself into more trouble after telling Chasten his attraction to the Mustang GT500 coupe was merely physical and that what had happened in that parking lot meant nothing to him.
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