CAMBRIDGE, MA—Pondering a hypothetical that, if proven, would fundamentally alter feline understanding of the universe, the nation’s foremost cat scientists held a symposium Friday to discuss a theoretical third food type that was neither wet nor dry. “Consider a world in which food is not split into the binary we have always known, but exists outside the paradigm of wetness and dryness,” said leading kibble theorist Sneakers, explaining that the ubiquity of divergent foodstuffs such as lickable treats and cat grass suggested the possibility of an entirely different state of edible matter. “Of course, sitting here today, we can barely comprehend what this food would be like. It would presumably possess characteristics unlike anything we’ve encountered—for example, it could be constructed of something other than seafood, poultry, or even chunks of real beef. This hypothetical food also might not come from a can or out of a big bag, but instead from some sort of container we cannot even conceive of.” Sneakers concluded his remarks by noting that no matter the exact makeup of this third food type, it would almost certainly be possible to eat an entire bowl of it so fast that you immediately threw up.
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