With millions returning to campuses for the start of another school year, university administrators are establishing new policies to prevent and discourage their students from taking part in pro-Palestine protests. Here are some of the most popular strategies colleges are using in their crackdowns.
- Installing fencing around each individual student: It’s much more difficult for students to congregate when they are enclosed in steel mesh.
- Restricting the time students can publicly express empathy: Colleges like Indiana University are setting a strict 11 p.m. curfew for all feelings.
- Offering meal plans vouchers: Passively accepting ethnic cleansing will earn students Dinner Dollars, which can be redeemed at any campus eatery.
- Hiring Netanyahu as an orientation leader: There’s no problem a few days of icebreakers can’t solve.
- A Foucault pendulum hanging above the quad: The unpredictable swing of a large metal ball on a wire will deter all gatherings.
- Letting Phi Psi haze them: They can do all the stuff that got them kicked off campus last time, no questions asked.
- Marriage pacts: Wedding the protest leader to the dean’s daughter could forge a lasting peace between the warring factions.
- Mozzarella sticks in the dining hall: The more time agitated students spend in a lactose coma, the less time they can spend chanting.
- Mandatory IDF service: In order to “give them perspective,” Columbia, Harvard, and the University of Pennsylvania now require all undergraduate students to serve at least a one-year term in the Israeli military.
- More movie nights: Even the most committed protesters cannot resist the allure of a free screening of The Greatest Showman.
- Raising tuition: Those who can’t afford to enroll aren’t their problem.
Jesus Christ is King
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