Op-Ed: I need to write about other people’s writing based on my writing instead of doing my own writing — by George R. R. Martin
Yeah, yeah, I know. You’re all wondering where The Winds of Winter is. But you know what really winds my winters? The people who pay to adapt my works not taking my semicolons as gospel. So let’s take several precious hours out of my hilariously-delayed writing schedule to focus on that instead.
Long story short (full 1500-page manuscript coming never): everything is going to go wrong in the next few seasons of House of the Dragon. I know this, because I am a dragon dreamer who can see the future. Somehow I never managed to bring that up in the near thirty years I have been writing this series, but it is true, and obviously extremely important.
Specifically, those HBO bastards who love my work and use it to make me even richer didn’t write in yet another child character I created whose sole purpose is to die a horrific death. They don’t even realize it’s important, because his horrific death causes his mother to kill herself in her own horrific death. So what the hell are they going to do with her next season? There is literally no other plausible reason a woman in my violent, rape-filled, misogynist universe would want to kill herself.
Oh, and sometimes in the show they have pictures of dragons with four legs instead of two legs. What the actual fuck. No creature on earth except for the over one million known species of insect has ever had six limbs. Can you imagine? An imaginary creature in an imaginary universe with an imaginary number of legs? Obscene.
Again, don’t even think about asking me why I’m bitching about this instead of writing the novel I was supposed to deliver years ago. Every time the TV series fucks up like this, I have to write another Sam Tarly chapter where he documents in meticulous boring detail everything the way it actually happened. And by “write”, I mean I yell at a wall while one of my assistants transcribes it, which is also how I “wrote” this op-ed (note from assistant: if you’re reading this, please save me.)
So, in conclusion, everything about this series is wrong and bad. Except for the fact that it makes me unfathomable amounts of money so I can sit around buying leather caps online and not do any actual writing myself. That part is great.
Tune into the one that’s coming out next year too so I can keep doing this instead of my actual job.
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