KANSAS CITY, MO—Growing increasingly alarmed as she stared at her boyfriend Travis Kelce’s upcoming 2024 schedule, a horrified Taylor Swift reportedly realized for the first time Friday that football happens every year. “So football…that’s not just a thing Travis did last fall for a couple of months—that’s something that’s going to happen again and again?” said a wincing, shuddering Swift, who added that she had assumed she would never again need to dress up in Chiefs merchandise, buy out stadium boxes, or hang out in Kansas City after Kelce and his team won the Super Bowl last year. “Oh wow. I thought Brittany Mahomes was joking when she said she’d see me again soon. How many games are there this year? 17? And that’s not counting the playoffs. Hoo boy. Guess I better start scheduling more stops on the Eras tour.” At press time, Swift was seen googling how long it took for CTE to kick in and end a football player’s career forever.
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