PLAINS, GA—Opening his eyes to find an empty room eerily devoid of any sounds, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly awoke Friday to learn that he had seemingly outlived every single person in America. “Hello? Is anybody there? Can anyone hear me?” said the 99-year-old in a shouted plea, stumbling through the halls of an abandoned hospice center to reach the front doors, a formerly bustling town now entirely still as the 39th leader of the free world frantically peered into windows and banged on doors street after street, mile after mile, only to find the nation had become a ghost town. “No, no—this can’t be. My family? Where is my family? I must find a phone to call Bill and Hillary—surely they’ll know what’s going on. God damnit, pick up already! Oh no—the lines have gone dead. This cannot be happening. I am…the only man left on earth.” At press time, a slight whizzing sound reportedly broke through the silence as an arrow flew through the air from an unseen source, hitting Carter square in the back.
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