Phone Manually Turned Off With Intensity Of Mobster Smothering Witness With Pillow

CINCINNATI—In an act that demonstrated a singularly cold-blooded focus, 32-year-old Andrew Thompson reportedly turned off his phone Monday with the intensity of a mobster smothering a key witness with a pillow. Sources confirmed that as Thompson grasped the iPhone, his right hand shook while pushing down its side power button as if he were struggling to snuff the life out of a federal witness with intimate knowledge of a crime family’s financial dealings. Several reports indicated that, like a hardened killer unmoved by the muffled pleas of a former associate begging him to spare their life, Thompson went on to ignore a pop-up from the phone asking if he really wanted to turn it off. According to sources, the pull of his Instagram and TikTok feeds briefly tempted Thompson to reconsider this rash act, as if he were a trained assassin who pulled away the pillow at the last minute to urge the doomed individual to run, run, and never look back. However, sources added that Thompson soon hardened his heart by reminding himself that he needed a good night’s sleep and then grit his teeth with the determination of someone acting under the sacred code of omertà, someone who knew their life was at risk if they did not carry out the hit. Reports stated that a moment later the phone’s blank screen stared up at him like the dead, empty eyes of a corpse. At press time, Thompson was said to have put the phone away in a drawer and left it for the night as if he were leaving a dead body behind for a screaming loved one to find the next morning.

The Onion