Jesus' Coming Back

Husband Files For Divorce After DNA Test Reveals Child Only Shares Half His Genes

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Having confirmed his suspicions of his wife’s infidelity, local husband Mark Polanco filed for divorce Monday after a DNA test revealed that the child he had been raising as his own only shared half his genes. “I just can’t be with someone who would do something that awful, telling me I’m the biological father of a kid who doesn’t even have 100% of my genetic material,” said Polanco, who explained that he began questioning the paternity of the child when she was a baby and he first changed her diaper, an experience that led him to wonder how, as a girl, she could have inherited both his X and Y chromosomes. “Honestly, what kind of psycho does something like that? I guess she was hoping I would never notice the kid wasn’t an exact genetic clone of me, but thankfully I pieced it together.” At press time, Polanco was reportedly disgusted after realizing the baby bore a striking resemblance to his wife’s brother.

The Onion

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