PHILADELPHIA—Deflecting moderators’ efforts to pin down his policy positions during Tuesday’s presidential debate, Donald Trump reportedly avoided difficult questions throughout the evening by pretending he had just taken another bullet to the ear. “What? I honestly can’t hear you right now because someone’s trying to murder me and I’ve been shot in my ear—again!” the former president replied when asked by ABC’s Linsey Davis about his shifting stance on reproductive rights, later pointing to his ear and moaning loudly when invited to explain why voters should support him in 2024 given his efforts to overturn the results of the 2020 election. “Ouch, ouch, this really hurts! You seriously expect me to talk about the four different criminal cases against me when I’m up here bleeding because of an attempt on my life? You should spend less time asking about Project 2025 and more time finding the guy who definitely just shot me. Wait, there he goes! I’ll go after him!” At press time, reports confirmed moderator David Muir had been shot and killed by Secret Service agents tasked with protecting Trump.
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