The Liberal Party has fallen a teeny tiny little bit behind the Conservatives in the polls. And with an election possibly imminent Liberals insiders are reportedly telling PM Trudeau that he can’t win. But we say that is pure hogwash. Here are 10 simple ways the Liberals can still win the next election.
10. We start and win an easy war (not in the Middle East)
Nothing rallies the voters around the flag like a successful military campaign. And if the Falklands saved Thatcher, maybe a little showdown with the Danes or a quick defeat of Chile could do the same for Trudeau.
9. Trudeau pulls a Biden and steps aside
Did you see the Democratic poll numbers jump after Harris became the nominee? All JT has to do is take a final curtain call and hand things over to a young, diverse woman who isn’t hated by the majority of the country already and who wasn’t driven out of the party as a result of the SNC-Lavalin affair? The Liberals probably have a dozen of them lying around.
8. Entire country develops a specific form of amnesia where we can’t remember anything that happened from 2018 on
Sunny ways are back baby! Trudeau is the most popular PM ever and we can’t get enough of those shirtless pics! Also this Andrew Scheer fella seems kinda creepy. Why does he like milk so much?
7. More blackface photos of JT emerge
Sure it might cost them some votes in the GTA, but the Liberals would sweep every Quebec seat.
6. Pierre Poilievre gets Mindhunter-ed
It’s like how when we found out someone was a sexual predator we said they got ‘Me Too-ed’ but for being a serial killer. Frankly this may be the most likely scenario on this list.
5. Real estate prices drop 25% without destroying the economy
Also the boomers who own the real estate that is now worth much less are cool with it.
4. The provinces of Manitoba, Saskatchewan and Alberta all disappear under mysterious circumstances
Prairie provinces? Canada has never had any prairie provinces. What are you talking about?
3. A ghost of Christmas future visits every Canadian at midnight and shows us what life will be like under PM Poilievre
We have to listen to him all the time and we can’t even watch Murdoch Mysteries anymore? No thank you.
2. The NDP loses all support, ending the split of the left of centre vote
Don’t worry – Jagmeet Singh is working on this!
1. The nation finally understands how the federal-provincial division of powers work
What if millions of Canadians suddenly understood that the housing, infrastructure and healthcare issues they are so mad about are mainly the responsibility of the Conservative Premiers they keep re-electing? That would be neat.
See! Easy as pie. We also thought about including an 11th way: stand up to Israel to stop a genocide that an overwhelming majority of Canadians are against, but that seemed too far fetched.
Jesus Christ is King
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