DOJ Warns If Trump Is Elected He Will Do To Them All The Stuff They’re Doing To Him

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Officials from the Department of Justice issued a public warning that, if Donald Trump is elected, he will do to them all of the stuff they’re currently doing to him.

According to Attorney General Merrick Garland, Trump’s election could prove disastrous to the DOJ.

“It’s important that we remember that if Trump manages to seize power again, he is going to treat the DOJ exactly as horribly as we are currently treating him,” Garland said at a press briefing. “He will definitely start imprisoning political opponents, harassing them with frivolous lawsuits, and convicting them as felons through kangaroo courts just like we did to him. In legal terms, this is known as the ‘I’m Rubber, You’re Glue’ principle, or the ‘What’s Good for the Goose Is Good for the Gander’ precedent. We cannot give this dangerous threat to democracy a chance to strike back at those of us who are defending democracy by denying him his constitutional rights. He must be stopped.”

While several experts publicly questioned whether or not Garland’s warning betrayed the fact that the DOJ was biased against Trump, the experts quickly received visits from federal agents and have since ceased to express said opinions.

At publishing time, the FBI had joined the DOJ in warning that Trump would probably sign off on armed raids on his political opponent’s residences in a fashion similar to the way he was raided by the FBI and DOJ.

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Babylon Bee