MOSCOW—Explaining that Russia’s patience on the matter had finally reached a breaking point, officials in Moscow confirmed Friday they had expelled six British diplomats who would not shut up about Doctor Who. “London must realize that their diplomats’ incessant jabbering about Time Lord physiology and whether Daleks or Cybermen are stronger can only go on so long before it requires a response,” a Kremlin spokesperson said via state media, adding with visible annoyance that whenever Russian officials had tried to discuss serious diplomatic issues with the six self-described Whovians, they would invariably steer the conversation back around to whether the worst Doctor had been Paul McGann or Colin Baker. “Even when we tried dosing them with nerve agent to get a little peace and quiet, these dorks would just keep on speculating about whether one TARDIS could canonically materialize inside of another TARDIS. With their expulsion, our message to the West is unequivocal: We do not care who the Doctor is. We do not care who the Master is. We absolutely do not care about whatever the fuck that big skin creature is. And so long as the Kremlin stands, we will never watch your dumb little TV show for children.” At press time, Moscow suggested that they would potentially readmit the diplomats if they got into some real sci-fi like Battlestar Galactica.
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