RFK Jr. Really Really Hoping Nobody Asks Him Point Blank If He’s Ever Eaten A Cat

U.S. — A source close to former presidential candidate and current Trump supporter Robert F. Kenney Jr. says he is “really really” hoping no one asks him point-blank if he’s ever eaten a cat.

The recent viral reports about Haitian migrants abducting and eating people’s cats have reportedly led Kennedy to express concern that he might face awkward questions on the subject.

“They taste delicious,” one anonymous source claimed to have heard RFK Jr. say. “Unfortunately, there are things from my wild youth that I don’t want to get out.”

Kennedy, whose past is full of such shocking tabloid headlines as “Man Drops Bear Carcass In Park” and “Remember The Brain Worm In Star Trek II?” is reportedly hoping to keep a lid on any further scandals that might influence the 2024 presidential election or cast any negative light on Trump. Namely, whether or not Kennedy has eaten a cat.

Multiple whistleblowers were reportedly ready to sign affidavits to claim that Kennedy had, in fact, eaten cats.

“Sprinkle a little paprika on it, maybe add some garlic, and, baby, you’ve got a roast on,” Kenney allegedly told the source. “But don’t tell anyone.”

Kennedy declined to comment on the story, but his one-time running mate Nicole Shanahan said she would be surprised if he hadn’t eaten a cat.

At publishing time, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. successfully distracted everyone from the issue by admitting he loved a nice can of Fancy Feast in the morning. “I’m like a fancy, fluffy white cat,” he said.

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Babylon Bee