VATICAN CITY—In an effort to curb a rising number of immoral offenses, the Corps of Gendarmerie of Vatican City announced Friday the deployment of a new unit of highly trained sin-sniffing dogs. “This unit of elite K-9 officers has been taught to alert their handlers to sinful behavior by loudly barking and immediately engaging the impious subject in pursuit,” said a top official for the papal state’s police force, demonstrating in a live simulation how each of the 10 German shepherds could successfully sniff out any hell-bound miscreant within a mile radius. “They are highly attuned to the scent of any venial-grade blasphemy, heresy, or other disobedient action clearly forbidden in the Bible by the Lord God on High. Even if you’ve dishonored your mother and father at home—hours before stepping foot inside the boundaries of Vatican City—these dogs will still be able to sense it. One whiff of a golden calf and any idolaters in the vicinity will be rounded up within minutes. Remember that these are animals, and they can’t be responsible for what they do when they hear someone take the Lord’s name in vain. The only way to avoid reprimand is to live according to the Word of God, go to confession regularly, and donate heavily to your local parish.” At press time, the Corps of Gendarmerie of Vatican City outlined the funding needed for a fleet of Queen Hornet Supersized FPV bomber drones for apprehending mortal sinners.
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