WEST PALM BEACH, FL—In the wake of the second attempt on Donald Trump’s life in the past three months, sources confirmed Monday that the man who allegedly attempted to shoot the 45th president of the United States, Ryan Wesley Routh, was buying AR-15s nonstop while in custody. “Somehow, despite being detained and under strict police watch, the would-be assassin still managed to purchase several more semiautomatic weapons, as well as hundreds more rounds of ammunition,” said Secret Service agent Jeffrey Walters, who added that just hours after targeting Trump on his golf course with an SKS-style rifle, Routh was in his jail cell ordering, receiving, and signing for dozens of packages filled with military-grade weapons. “We’re in the middle of an interrogation when suddenly, some guy from Bass Pro Shops shows up and hands the suspect a Springfield Armory Saint AR-15, which he immediately takes and fires into the wall. Then, once we take that away, some guy from a local gun show drives up, pops open his trunk, and gives him 10 more.” At press time, Routh reportedly had to be moved to a high-security holding cell after he was spotted using a 3D printer to print off several rifles, silencers, and bump stock patterns he downloaded off the dark web.
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