VATICAN CITY — In a new effort to stem the increasing amount of troubling statements coming from the leader of the Catholic Church, new reports indicated that the Vatican had installed a “Heresy Jar” in Pope Francis’s office.
Though the pontiff was said to be less than enthusiastic about the new method of deterring his off-the-cuff proclamations, he was apparently willing to give it a try in hopes of relieving some of the controversy he has brought upon the Church in recent years.
“We’ve got to do something to cut back on the blatant heresy,” said one Vatican insider. “One day Francis is out there saying same-sex unions can be blessed by the Church, the next day he’s somewhere talking about how all faiths lead to God. We came to the conclusion that we just couldn’t keep up with all of His Holiness’s heretical statements, so we had to resort to putting a Heresy Jar on his desk. We’re really hoping this fixes the problem.”
Vatican officials were hopeful that Pope Francis would quickly learn from his past mistakes by having to pay into the jar with each theologically questionable statement. “It’s got to register with him at some point,” one source explained. “Although, it does kind of work against us that he’s basically paying into the jar with money that he gets from the Vatican. It could be argued that it defeats the purpose and doesn’t really cost him anything personally, but it may affect his ability to continue buying his daily bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos from the vending machine.”
At publishing time, the Vatican was forced to try more aggressive measures by installing a new Pope Shock Collar.
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