BRAMPTON – In response to continuing accusations of greed-flation and price gouging, Loblaws has announced the launch of a nationwide chain of for-profit food banks.
“We’re sensitive to the fact that Canadians are struggling with the growing cost of food,” said a spokesperson for the 50 billion dollar grocery giant that has repeatedly claimed they will go bankrupt if they’re not allowed to charge $19 for grapes.
“The concept is very simple,” explained a Loblaws spokesperson. “Those in need are issued a basket at the entrance. Clients are then welcome to self-select their own food from the shelves, after which a Loblaws food bank worker will help them calculate a recommended donation no less than the exact amount of the combined retail price of the food in their basket, which they must pay before they leave, plus tax”.
Customers will also have the option to immediately donate a portion of their food back to the food bank for other customers in slightly greater need.
According to the company, the food bank will be generously stocked with aging produce from across their stores, lightly-botulised canned goods, other food deemed too sad even for No Frills, as well as donations from throughout the community.
“We will be donating some of our finest least-good products from throughout our stores, but we’re really depending on the generosity of everyday Canadians to make this work,” added the spokesperson.
The launch was accompanied by a dual announcement from the company that they would be launching a new Optimum Food Stamps program, where customers could redeem their points at double the value, but only at the for-profit food bank and only for targeted food items such as fruit and vegetables, bread, and cheese.
The idea of a for-profit food bank received a warm reception from federal and provincial politicians, who called the plan “innovative”.
“This is another innovative example of best-in-class thinking by corporate Canada,’ said a spokesperson for the Prime Minister’s Office, who issued a follow-up announcement that they would be giving the Loblaws food banks a 400 million dollar grant in support of the program.
The Ministry of Finance also announced that despite being a for-profit business, they would be granting the food bank charitable status on the basis that if they didn’t Loblaws would figure out a way to avoid paying taxes anyway like they do every year.
At press time, it was reported that due to the increasing market dominance of the Loblaws food banks, other smaller, local food banks were unable to compete with the grocery/charity giant and would be going out of non-business.
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