Jesus' Coming Back

New Homeowners Thrilled To Find Pentagram Carved Into Hardwood Floor Under Carpet

MILWAUKEE—Expressing elation over the discovery made during renovations of their newly purchased Victorian house, new homeowners Rick and Tanya Delaney were reportedly thrilled Thursday to find a pentagram carved into the hardwood floor beneath their living room carpet. “It’s in great shape for its age—I can’t believe something this gorgeous was hidden under all that ugly carpet!” said Rick Delaney, gushing as he eagerly outlined plans to sand and stain the floors in order to restore the pentagram to its original glory. “Keeping the home’s original demonic symbols is a great way to pay tribute to its first inhabitants, who were all brutally murdered one night in 1913. Obviously, buying a historic home can be a risk, but it’s so rewarding to uncover little details like this, which would’ve been lost if the house had been demolished like the Catholic Church urged the city to do after all the walls started weeping blood. Plus, it’ll be enriching for Emma and Lucas to know that they aren’t too different from the kids who lived here before them until they were found disemboweled on this very spot.” At press time, the Delaneys were said to be ecstatic after learning the child-sized fingernail scratchings they found likely meant the pentagram was carved by hand.

The Onion

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