Jesus' Coming Back

What To Know About ‘The Golden Bachelorette’

The Golden Bachelorette, the latest spin-off from The Bachelor franchise, premiered Wednesday night on ABC. Here is everything you need to know about the reality dating series.

Q: Why is it called The Golden Bachelorette?

A: It tested better with audiences than The Bachelorette Who Will Likely Die in the Not Too Distant Future.

Q: Who is the Golden Bachelorette?

A: Joan Vassos competed in The Golden Bachelor but was benched due to an ACL injury. She returns to the franchise after a strong season competing in Junior College Bachelor.

Q: How old is she?

A: Vassos is 61 years old, or 304 in television years.

Q: Why is she trying to replace dad?

A: She’s not, there is no replacement for your father, but she deserves a chance to be with someone and find happiness again, okay?

Q: How is the show breaking stereotypes about aging?

A: The show will serve as proof that you can find social media fame at any stage of life.

Q: What do the contestants hope to get out of this?

A: They’re hoping one of the PAs can help unlock their iPhone.

Q: Will she find love?

A: If you’re genuinely asking that, the entire ABC comms team deserves a raise.

The Onion

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