LAKE OF FIRE, HELL—Complaining that it was almost impossible to get any torturing done with the constant interruption, hellspawn were reportedly annoyed Friday by the sound of earth’s residents stomping around overhead. “It’s just unbelievably frustrating to be flaying the skin of a glutton or sodomite and not even be able to hear their screams over the loud clomp-clomp-clomp coming from the plane of existence above us,” said demon Asmodeus, picking up a broom and hitting it repeatedly against the ceiling of hell in an effort to alert humanity to how noisy it was being. “They’re listening to music at all hours, getting into huge fights, and just constantly walking back and forth across the planet. I swear, last year around the holidays the walls started shaking so hard from all the noise that an entire basket of red-hot pokers fell off a shelf and shattered on the floor. I’ve tried calling God about it, but He just gives me the usual runaround—He knows we’re not going to move out, so He doesn’t give a shit.” At press time, Asmodeus was heard cursing after seepage from a burst pipe on earth had caused water damage to spread throughout Hell.
