ÖLAND, SWEDEN—Assuring her children that she really meant it this time, Mother Earth reportedly insisted Friday that she didn’t want any pagan sacrifices this autumn equinox. “I know you think this is just me being self-effacing, but I genuinely don’t want you to make a big thing of slitting the throat of a fatted calf next to one of my knotted oak trees,” said humanity’s ancestral mother, who stressed that she appreciated all the blood sacrifices her spiritual offspring had given her in the past to commemorate the turning of seasons and the autumn harvest. “Obviously, I’ve loved everything you’ve slaughtered for me over the years. But I don’t want to draw attention to myself. Right now, the only thing I want is to see all my children together frolicking amongst the flames of the bonfires. Heck, smear some of that virgin blood on yourself for once.” At press time, Mother Earth was said to be sulking after humanity took her at her word and didn’t even throw a single newborn child off a cliff for her.
